I know, I know, another upbeat entry from Stephanie...but I really feel like I need to get some things off my mind. No need to comment, I just need purge some thoughts.
I have never felt like more of a failure, in my life, than I have since I became a mother. I know there are a few things that I feel I do ok on, but I constantly question myself about the decisions I make regarding my kids (Nora mainly). I never know if I'm doing anything right. I'm sure it's because she's 2. When I'm out somewhere and she's acting badly I say, "I'm sorry, she's 2." Most people would nod and smile. If they've had kids they understand.
All in all Nora is a really good kid. She IS 2, so she tests us all the time, but she can be so super sweet it will melt your heart. She can be really shy and doesn't like other people getting too close to her if she doesn't know them...although a female has better luck cracking through her shell than a man. She's fairly good at saying please and thank you without having to be reminded and even says "scuse me". Nora's main issue...food.
We have struggled with Nora's eating habits since...well, since she started eating solid foods. She did great with baby food, eating anything and everything I gave her, but once she started with table food it was a different story. I always chalked it up to her lack of teeth. Poor girl didn't even get her first 2 teeth until she was 14 months old. I'll tell you what, that girl could gum food like a champ. But I always made excuses for her, thinking "oh she doesn't have teeth," or "her gums probably hurt from teething".
She now has most of her teeth (yes, she's still missing 4 of them) and she can chew just fine when she wants to. She's just really really picky and it's getting worse! I am sick, sick, sick, of people saying "oh it's just a phase". Well, this phase has lasted about a year and a half and, as I said, is getting worse.
We've tried different approaches to it, disciplining, taking away things, ignoring it...nothing seems to work. I've told myself many a time that I was just going to shrug it off but I can't. I have cried many many tears over it. I have thrown away more food than I care to admit. I watch her refuse her food day after day, night after night, meal after meal, and it kills me just about every time. I dread meal time.
I don't know if I'll ever figure out how to take care of my children. There are many days, when my patience is very thin, that I wonder why God ever allowed me to concieve these 2 kids in the first place. And sadly, I look at Emmett and feel sorry for him. Sorry that he got stuck with me. Because as much as I am sad about how I parent, I am even more sad over my reactions to how I parent. I'm upset that I'm upset. I'm impatient over my impatience. I am tired of being tired. I hope one day I can look in the mirror and be confident in the person I am. To be the wife I should be, the friend I wish I was and the mother I could only dream about.